Venting/Praying/sorting through some stuff :)

This post is kinda weird...But if you're struggling in any way, maybe you'll relate. 

I don't even know if I'm going to post this, but I seriously feel like I'm going to go crazy if I don't blog.  I'm kind of slowly-surely been losing my mind over the past few weeks. Or quite possibly it's been the past months but i didn't see it. Who realizes it when they're going nuts?


So yeah. Yesterday and today I realized that I can't keep up a normal conversation without feeling stupid, acting stupid, or saying something stupid. I just don't know. I feel so stupid!


Alrighty. Scratch that. Lately life has been a learning experience.  Life ain't bad at all for me. I have a wonderful family and wonderful friends, and even if my relationships are wrought with imperfection, they are a blessing.  I have everything I could possibly want in the way of education and the ability to follow my  dreams.

And yet there's this aching for more.  Usually it's fed by wasting time. Just plain slaughtering time. Tonight I spent 3 hours on youtube, for example.  Sometimes the achy emptiness comes up and is too big to ignore, and I feel panicky and maybe that's why I feel stupid. Sometimes I act recklessly. I'm NOT saying I have an excuse. I am saying I need to find a way to fill this that's not sinning or pointless.

I really, truly want to reach people. I want to shine a real genuine light in other's lives. But honestly I can't do that without God.  Something I read today kinda hit me... it was in My Utmost for His Highest. 


"No matter what changes God has wrought in you, never rely on them, build only on a Person, the Lord Jesus Christ, and on the Spirit He gives. All our vows and resolutions end in denial because we have no power to carry them out. When we have come to the end of ourselves, not in imagination but really, we are able to receive the Holy Spirit."


I fully believe my reading that was providential.  I feel at the end of myself. Not because I'm mourning or anything in particular is wrong, but I just feel empty. Or rather, honestly, I feel like I've tried every "dessert" on the table but didn't get the specialty, the main dish.  Like I've been wasting away doing nothing important.

I HAVE relied too heavily on the changes He's wrought.  I've thought that I'm too modest to fall into sin, too kind to fall, too considerate to fall, too moral to fall, to loving to fall. But still I ended in denial. Like Peter, failing the test of allegiance.  So what went wrong? According to Oswald Chambers, it's because I did not build my hope on Christ alone.  And I never really accepted the Holy Spirit as being what I need because I'm nothing on my own.  I want to change NOW, Lord. But if You want me to wait on You, I'm ready to do that.  I want to spend my life on something worthwhile. Wherever you lead, Lord. Lead on.