Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Pictures and covering a lot of ground :-)

Hey all!! Who is a blogging epic fail? This girl! But this post is gonna (hopefully) cover what I've wanted to say (and do it via pictures, yay!).

This is from C.S. Lewis's The Weight of Glory which is absolutely brilliant. For quite a while actually I have been struggling with feeling like I don't fit in. I still struggle every day.  There are only a select few people I feel I can be myself around.  But anyhow, this book and a realization (that I am selfish when I feel like I don't belong when I'm doing things with other people) have changed me.
We are strangers in this world.
We were made for more.
It's really not a good thing to "fit in."

Basically, nothing I can do can push God away.  Is that not crazy awesome?? I mean, seriously.  I can be such an idiot and He somehow loves still.  And His creation is just beautiful, so I've been loving editing pics of nature :-). 

Life can be so confusing.  Just when I think I've got it figured out, I realize that I've been pointlessly prideful and I really know nothing at all.  I caused myself some major pain recently, and it wasn't until I realized I was being a monster that I could let go and confess that I messed up pretty badly.  And it was in said state of brokenness that God showed me the below verse (romans 13):

Somehow, the picture of being clothed with Jesus hit me hard.  Wearing Jesus.  Having Him define my everything. That's what I want, desperately.  And I had not read this before, but realizing that it's a conscious choice of THOUGHT to not sin got me.  Blog world, will you keep me accountable to this verse? God wants me to live it. 
That's scary. And awesome.

Now, on a light note, let's not try to fix things we have no business sticking our paws into.  If you're feeling out of control (like me!) then let go and let God.


[all pictures belong to me except the "lol cat"]

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Venting/Praying/sorting through some stuff :)

This post is kinda weird...But if you're struggling in any way, maybe you'll relate. 

I don't even know if I'm going to post this, but I seriously feel like I'm going to go crazy if I don't blog.  I'm kind of slowly-surely been losing my mind over the past few weeks. Or quite possibly it's been the past months but i didn't see it. Who realizes it when they're going nuts?

So yeah. Yesterday and today I realized that I can't keep up a normal conversation without feeling stupid, acting stupid, or saying something stupid. I just don't know. I feel so stupid!

Alrighty. Scratch that. Lately life has been a learning experience.  Life ain't bad at all for me. I have a wonderful family and wonderful friends, and even if my relationships are wrought with imperfection, they are a blessing.  I have everything I could possibly want in the way of education and the ability to follow my  dreams.

And yet there's this aching for more.  Usually it's fed by wasting time. Just plain slaughtering time. Tonight I spent 3 hours on youtube, for example.  Sometimes the achy emptiness comes up and is too big to ignore, and I feel panicky and maybe that's why I feel stupid. Sometimes I act recklessly. I'm NOT saying I have an excuse. I am saying I need to find a way to fill this that's not sinning or pointless.

I really, truly want to reach people. I want to shine a real genuine light in other's lives. But honestly I can't do that without God.  Something I read today kinda hit me... it was in My Utmost for His Highest. 

"No matter what changes God has wrought in you, never rely on them, build only on a Person, the Lord Jesus Christ, and on the Spirit He gives. All our vows and resolutions end in denial because we have no power to carry them out. When we have come to the end of ourselves, not in imagination but really, we are able to receive the Holy Spirit."

I fully believe my reading that was providential.  I feel at the end of myself. Not because I'm mourning or anything in particular is wrong, but I just feel empty. Or rather, honestly, I feel like I've tried every "dessert" on the table but didn't get the specialty, the main dish.  Like I've been wasting away doing nothing important.

I HAVE relied too heavily on the changes He's wrought.  I've thought that I'm too modest to fall into sin, too kind to fall, too considerate to fall, too moral to fall, to loving to fall. But still I ended in denial. Like Peter, failing the test of allegiance.  So what went wrong? According to Oswald Chambers, it's because I did not build my hope on Christ alone.  And I never really accepted the Holy Spirit as being what I need because I'm nothing on my own.  I want to change NOW, Lord. But if You want me to wait on You, I'm ready to do that.  I want to spend my life on something worthwhile. Wherever you lead, Lord. Lead on.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Why nothing can ever shake our confidence

When the world crashes in, that's when we are given the hope that never dies. 

Deuteronomy 31:6

New International Version (NIV)
6 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.

Nothing can separate us from Him. Just take a breath and consider that promise... He goes WITH YOU. Wherever you are.

Like anyone, I've had my world turn upside down.  But when it did last time, I made a fatal mistake...I forgot that it's happened before. I forgot what He's lead me through. I forgot that He is there with me in the valley of the shadow of death.

Even though I can't say I've felt as much loss, as much darkness, as much death, as some, I can say that regardless of circumstance, He is there.

He's not a slave to your circumstances. You are. You can escape into His arms.  You can move past whatever enslaves you. You can press on when the world is upside down.